I don’t know where else to turn. I feel so misunderstood.
I have heard people call me “explicit” and say I am such an extrovert and like to be on “public display”. They accuse me of being the way I am so as to appease people who don’t have a day to day impact on my life. They say I just simply show the outward things about me and that I am hiding other things that aren’t so obvious to the public.
Then there are those who call me by the name “Implicit” and say I encourage conformity. I am accused of “fostering compliant behaviour” (Eisner, 2002) and that I don’t encourage creativity or innovation. I want to, believe me, but am scared what others around me will object to if I do. Honestly, I am not really wanting to modify anyone’s behaviour. I really want to encourage people to do things because they want to not because I make them. I want them to be motivated by themselves not because they feel they have to because of me. I just can’t help it sometimes. They misunderstood me, truly , and I especially don’t want to pressure them to do things because time is a factor. I am just trying to teach them social virtues and punctuality (Eisner, 2002). These people even suggest that the way I look affects others around me. I can’t help it what I look like. I don’t always have a say about the furniture I use, or the resources I have available to me. Yet, I am blamed for them.
The last accusation they say I am is neglectful and I purposely don’t include things that matter. I don’t have time for everything! I can only do so much! I know I should be more open to including other things like being more open to suggestions and comments from others but I can’t always do that. I have to be honest, depending who I am with, my choice of what is important and what isn’t will change. Is that my fault? These are the ones who call me a most hurtful name…they call me null. It makes me feel like I am not valid, I am void of any purpose and yet I am the complete opposite.
All I know is that I feel that I am most happiest when I am around people who let me be more free, more adaptable, less restricted, more creative and give me chances to think and reflect. I want to show them that I can also give people a chance to be innovative and imaginative when they are with me.
I have had lots of educated people say they would love to help me change but I still feel so controlled by more senior people in society. Please help!